What I'd Rather Be

If you must know

I will tell you

the decision I made with myself

I’d rather be broken and bloody

than warmed in a realm of just comfort

I want to feel rage, to fall amongst the stars

open and raw

shaking

fire and ice all at once

I’d rather the scars and the burning

than numbing to hide from the fear

I want it to singe the edges of my sanity

Let me die of heartache

and be reborn by the magic of the sea

washed to shore in pieces

but stronger than ever before

I’d rather be broken and bloody

because the marks left behind 

will sing of my rebellion

the dirt under my nails can whisper the tale 

of how I clawed out of my own grave

and from time to time

I might crack

I might waiver

but in my earnest refusal

I will rise

for I was born in the belly of a storm

and I am a child of its carnage

and when you are choking on the ashes 

you can see the way hope has etched itself into my spine

amidst the tears and gnashing teeth

in between the skewed heart

in that middle place 

I have woven myself back together

And you can see

in a brilliant contrast to the darkness

the stitches

you can see my unconquerable soul

I used to be the one laughing with glass shards in my mouth

howling hollow words into the night

and feeding the sickness

the idea that we are porcelain

perfect 

unmoved by this world

and I looked out from eyes that refused to see

ate my unsaid words 

and gorged myself on fear

It’s funny to think of how starved I was

how I neglected the fruits of truth 

So, my dearest ones

my fellow stumblers

thats what we are

stumbling about through the wreckage

licking our wounds and setting fire to our bones

let us feast together on things of substance

let us rejoice in the trials

we can dance together until we have ground our feet into dust

we can tend to the truths and mistakes

and cry and be broken 

we can acknowledge regret and

 then lay it to rest and move forward

in our imperfect dancehall.

Let’s each take a seat side by side

join hands

and let ourselves unravel

then stitch ourselves back together again

as one

I’d rather be broken and bloody

with my brothers and sisters alike

be weak and then become strong

sing to the moons

and burn with the sun

and delight in the changes we have begun

As long as I’m here

I’ll be dizzy and lost

searching for the steps to the song

it’s slow and deranged 

and I can’t get enough

and I won’t stop until the Earth claims me

I won’t stop until I am one with the Frost

Kate.V.Kenney